So my roommate Eli has been really inspiring to me with his recent poetry adaptions, and I've finally worked up the courage to share with you all my very personal work of original fan fiction. This is my exploration of the Iliad. Remember, it is my feelings on the line for those who like to criticise and belittle others.Thank you Eli for your stout heart.
Book 8.5 : The Bachelor Party
Rendered into English prose for the use of those who cannot read the original
by Karl Thorpe, Apt. 255
Sing, O goddess, of the sweet bachelor party of Achilles son of Peleus, that
brought countless hangovers upon the Achaeans. Many a brave soul did
it send hurrying down to marital Hades, and many a hero did it yield a
prey to Old Milwaukee, for so were the counsels of Jove
fulfilled from the day on which great Achilles pounded hell of beers.
The party truly did get off to a great start worthy of Zeus himself
for Iphigenia was indeed not sacrificed by her father Agamemnon to satisfy
the prophecy of the seer but rather dressed unto a string bikini and baked
into a delicious chocolate cake with frosting dark like the somber locks
of Hephaestus' beard, and she leapt from the cake and maybe there was a little nipple.
Trojans and Achaeans alike set aside their spears and swords and took up the brew
in honor of worthy Achilles who was purchased many rounds of Schläger shots.
But Sarpedon rose above the sweaty throng and let the congregation know that
surely no Trojan could possibly have three Kamikazes and remain standing upright
as grey-eyed Athena.
So spoke Sarpedon, and Hector got totally nutty at his words. He sprang
from his lap dance clad in his loincloth, and went about among
the host brandishing his two beers, exhorting the men to fight
and raising the terrible cry of "sack up wusses!" Then they rallied and
again drank Tequila with the Achaeans, and the breasts stood compact and firm,
and were not driven back. As the breezes sport with the chaff
upon some goodly threshing-floor, when men are winnowing--while
yellow Ceres blows with the wind to sift the chaff from the
grain, and the chaff-heaps grow drunker and drunker--even so did
the Achaeans raise their brews to the firmament of heaven,
and they bore down with might upon the Cuervo.
Fierce Mars, to help the Trojans, covered them in a veil of condoms, and went
about everywhere among them, inasmuch as Phoebus Apollo had told
him that when he saw Pallas, Minerva leave the fray he was to put
one dollar bills into the thongs of the strippers--for it was they who were
helping the Danaans. Then Apollo sent Aeneas forth from his rockin'
lap dance, and filled his heart with valour, whereon he took his
place among his comrades, who were overjoyed at seeing him alive,
sound, and of a good courage; but they could not ask him how it
had all gone down, for they were too busy with the turmoil raised
by Mars and by Achilles, who raged insatiably in their midst.
Please join me next week for the conclusion to Achilles' bachelor party. Constructive critcism is appreciated.