THE IDES OF APRIL
April 15
Beware the Ides of April, for the Taxman cometh. Don’t let the Man fool you anymore with that same old “Ides of March” song-and-dance. Follow this link to learn more about The Ides of March.
THE STUPORS OF APRIL
April 19
Only four days later, you’re not fooling anyone. We know April 20 is already circled with green magic marker on your At-A-Glance Weekly Planner, and we think it’s pathetic. Many a future dictator, despot, president and professional have lost all traction to those ten or twelve consecutive bong loads after months of The Morgan Challenge. So what are you waiting for Morgan? Spark it up now dogg!
THE TOWNSHIP OF MAY
Board of Supervisors Meeting
First Thursday of each month, 7:00pm
Not so much a calendar item as it is a locale, May Township is located in pleasant Washington County, Minnesota. If you’ve been planning to initiate a political career to rival Caesar, we suggest you start here. May Township includes “public parks featuring acres of green space, historical landmarks, and a variety of plant and animal life.” At least that’s what their website will tell you.
THE FOURTH OF JULY
August 28*
This day marks the anniversary of the signing of The Declaration of Independence by the Founding Fathers of The United States of America. The Declaration of Independence was an eloquent document drafted under the influence of John Locke’s political philosophy and Thomas Jefferson’s select Virginia opiates. On every Fourth of July, it is commonplace to witness Americans celebrating their historic “Fuck All” to King George III with American beer, explosives and various light weaponry. Beware the Fourth of July, King George! Beware the Fourth of July!
*We are reminded that in the late 18th century, trans-oceanic aeronautics and electronic correspondence were still generations away. Given that King George III did not receive the document until weeks after it was signed, it is our understanding that the original Fourth of July did not technically occur until August 28th, 1776, resulting in much political confusion.
THE SQUIRTS OF SEPTEMBER
September 2
Exclusive findings from an independent investigation conducted by TWR have recently revealed a startling confluence with information disclosed recently in declassified documents recovered under The Freedom of Information Act in a suit filed jointly by the ACLU and the American Journal of Gastroenterology in 1999 detailing incontrovertible evidence obtained during secret Eisenhower-era research demonstrating that the second day of September is the most likely day of the year to experience the first symptoms of IBS.
OCTOBER'S BARRENS
October 29 - November 5
Do NOT attempt intercourse for purposes of procreation during this interval! You run the grave risk of spawning the antichrist. You say to yourself: “Nah G, that’s like one in ten-billion. I’ll take my chances with this broad.” Look, Bucko, just strap on the jimmy-hat. This is a scourge unmatched by any penile abscess you’ve ever suffered. Serious.
NOVEMBER RAIN
by Guns N Roses
adapted by Eli Johnson
Dear readers/neighbors-
Please enjoy this week’s poetic adaptation. I labored hardily to adapt Guns N Roses’ original "November Rain" song lyrics to the written page, but as always, the poem is nothing until you load the verses into the James Earl Jones Emulator (JEJE).
No one can say he is not surprised by the international attention I have received for the JEJE. However, the world has yet to fully realize the toll the JEJE will eventually take on contemporary poetry.
For next week, I hope you're looking forward to The Ides of March!!!
Sincerely,
