Transcript from A recent meeting of the International Simile Committee

Committee President Johnson: I hereby call this meeting of the International Simile Committee to order. Is there any old business?

Committee Secretary Stevenson: Yes, we have yet to establish a new simile for "hairy."

Johnson: All right then, are there any suggestions?

Committee Lieutenant Carlson: What about dogs?

Johnson: Okay, good start. Dogs.

Stevenson: Um, but not all dogs are hairy.

Committee member Davidson: Yeah, and some dogs are only kind of hairy.

Carlson: No, but listen, for the most part dogs are pretty hairy.

Johnson: Yeah, but we need something, you know, something REALLY hairy.

Davidson: What about hair?

Johnson: Well, that doesn't really work.

Davidson: Sure it does.

Johnson: No, look, you can't really say "hairier than hair" now, can you?

Davidson: No see, that's why it works. Whatever you're talking about would have to be REALLY hairy.

Johnson: No, look, it's got to be an exaggerated contrast. A simile can't just be relating an adjective to the noun form of that same adjective.

Carlson: What about fur?

Davidson: Ooo, good one Carlson.

Stevenson: "Hairier than fur," that sounds great.

Johnson: No, see, we're running in to the same sort of problem here. Fur is just really a type of hair; it's not something that is hairy in its own right. We want something that has a lot of hair, not just hair itself.

Stevenson: What about a bag of hair?

Carlson: YEAH! "Hairier than a bag of hair." I like the way that sounds.

Johnson: No, see, that's just kind of impractical. Not many people have a lot of experience with bags of hair.

Stevenson: What about barbers?

Johnson: Well, aside from barbers.

Davidson: Maybe it could be like, you know, barber slang.

Johnson: No, look, the other problem is that the bag itself isn't really hairy; it's just filled with hair.

Stevenson: Well, what if you said "hairier than the contents of a bag of hair?"

Johnson: You see, in that case "the contents of a bag of hair" is just another way of saying "hair." That's still not a contrast.

Davidson: Oooo! What if we said, now try to follow me here, "hairier than the contents of a bag of fur!"

Carlson: Inspired!

Stevenson: A triumph for the English language!

Johnson: Who the hell has ever heard of a bag of fur?

Carlson: Well, maybe "hairier than the contents of a bag of fur" could be like, dog-groomer slang.

Davidson: Yeah, maybe like, dog groomers could say: "Well, good thing you brought old Buck in here today Mr. Billings, he's looking hairier than the contents of a bag of fur."

Johnson: NO! Even if that did catch on among dog groomers, which it WON'T, we've already established that hair and fur are essentially the same things. There's still no comparative contrast. You're all just coming up with synonyms.

Carlson: Synonyms. Right. Isn't that what we want?

Johnson: NO! SIM-I-LES, not SYN-O-NYMS.

Carlson, Stevenson, and Davidon: Ooooohhhhhhh!

(laughter all around)

Carlson: Well, 6 o'clock, I've got to go get my dog cut.

Stevenson: Don't you mean hair?

All: Ha ha ha ha!

Carlson: No. I'm taking my dog in to get neutered.


Johnson: Godspeed Carlson, Godspeed.